Best Simpsons quotes EVER

Every day before "The Simpsons Movie" opens (and through the weekend), I'm going to list the best quotes by some of the main characters on the TV series. Why? Anticipation of the movie? Sheer boredom? My inherent geekiness shining through? Probably all of those. Today, it's all things Homer...

Oh, and related articles on the ten best Simpsons episodes can be found here, with a photo gallery/quote rundown here. 

Homer: Here’s your giraffe, little girl.

Ralph: I'm a boy.

Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed. The lesson is, never try.

Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort?

Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?

Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down"

Marge: I could come with you to Moe’s.

Homer: Ok, but who am I going to complain about when I get drunk?

But I’m no super-genius… or are I?

I've learned a lot living with you guys. It doesn't matter what someone's sexual preferences are... unless they're a celebrity. Then it's dish, dish, dish!

Marge: He prefers the company of men.

Homer: Well, who doesn’t?

[Reading French instructions for building a grill] Le grill? What the hell is that?!?

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Homer: Why don't people like me, Marge?

Marge: Everyone likes you, you're a wonderful person.

Homer: Then why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!

Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

Homer: No, that would make me a great father.

Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

[To Bart] You could change your name to Homer Junior. Then the kids could call you Hoju!

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Ned: Wait a minute — you've got a medium, and I've got a message! Maybe God brought us together for a reason!

Homer: Yeah! You help me, and I in turn am helped by you!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see… don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?

Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!

Marge: (sighs) I know, I know.

House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!

Homer: That’s bad!

Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer: That’s good!

Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: That’s bad.

Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!

Homer: That’s good!

Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate … That’s bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!