BARS: New York Brewfest's Nightmare Frat Party

Last night's New York Brewfest, where thousands gathered at South Street Seaport to taste 300 beers for five hours (5-10 p.m.), was three parts frat party, one part nightmare. Interpret according to how you feel about frat parties. Imagine a picture of hell that you've seen, except it was raining instead of on fire, and it was all guys in their late 20s, and no one had to do any labor. The lines were claustrophobically dense, like someone dumped a rush-hour subway train full of yelling, wet people in front of each and every beer tent.

Except around 8 p.m. it magically stopped raining, and maybe it was because we were on our fifth or seventh 4-ounce glass of triple pilsner, or chocolate stout, or whatever it was that kept us from stabbing every junior Wall Street monster who bumped us in the eyeball with his oversize umbrella... Anyway, it cleared up, kind of, and we made our way far enough down the pier that the beer-waits were only a couple minutes long and you could occasionally stretch out your arms without ever touching young bros in plastic-bag Yankees ponchos bellowing at their bros. And it was all right for a while.

Highlights: Zotler's Bier, Kelso of Brooklyn's Chocolate Lager, Keegan Ales' Mother's Milk stout and a pumpkin ale from a brewery we can't recall... but then again, we mostly just went for the lines that looked wait-able. Leaving was another highlight, as was our Spanky's BBQ pulled pork sandwich and the commemorative Brewfest glass we got to take home.

Lowlights: Arriving. Realizing we would have to stay for at least a half an hour. Seeing the gray, undulating and unending carpet of drunken masses slathering Piers 16 and 17. Almost wetting our pants because of our refusal to use the shadowy, rain- and urine-drenched Port-o-Potties. Seeing puke puddles in the middle of actual puddles (of rain). Trying to find a cab.