BARS: Prime Nightclub now promises no extortion, rape

You know how when you wake up in the morning you can't make a very strong fist? Our brain feels that way right now about this email we received about Prime nightclub's renovation (reopening September 20) and "new attitude," in which instead of requiring idiots to buy bottles at the door, they'll require idiots to buy $800 tables at the door, and instead of harassing and raping people at the door, they'll be creating an atmosphere of 'fun.' Uh oh, we just lit our computer screen on fire.

Actual quotes from good old John 'JE' Englebert:

" the goal is to create an environment where the customers can go out to a fun place on Saturday nights without getting raped or abused at the door while spending thousands on bottles they don't want".

"the business model will not be based solely on the idea of extorting bottles at the door. The business model will be based on creating a fun product where people are treated like human beings".

"The latest renovation will introduce ... a revamped 'fun' decor which will bring back the 'fun'. The entrance/exit situation has been fixed. This will eliminate the 'drama' of getting in, and the 'confusion' caused when leaving or during re-entry."

"If someone looks good enough to get in and comes with the right attitude, they will get in without bottles. ... The hassle and 'bottle' rat race at the door is now over. Bottle minimums will be replaced with 'real estate minimums', where each table (piece of real estate) will be for sale for a certain amount of money; whether bottles of grey goose or bottles of water."

"Of course we will still sell bottles and offer bottles to anyone who wants them"

Wait, what? What's happening? Who lives in New York? It's time for everyone to go home now. We've called our mom, she's picking us up soon. Until then, we're going to put our head on the table.