CHIEF WIGGUM

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.

Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the Police Chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What was that, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Chief Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.
Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

I'd like to help you ma'am, but (laughs) I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Not really.

MONTGOMERY BURNS

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Meltdown is one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

 


KRUSTY

Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words. It's not -- it's words that *sound* dirty, like "mukluk."

Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.

COMIC BOOK GUY

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

OTHERS

Drederick Tatum: (in applauding crowd, after superhero Pie-Man appears) We all know pie are squared. But today, pie are justice!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidentally' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.

Sideshow Bob: To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone.

Rainier Wolfcastle: I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... man!

Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.

Jimbo: [While putting moves on babysitter] Oh, man, now my pants are chafing me!

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders…my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno, something about being gay.

Lenny: Alcohol and night swimming, it's a winning combination!

[In Australia] Paul Hogan Lookalike: You call that a knife? [Thrusts out a spoon] This is a knife.
Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon."
Hogan: "I can see you've played knifey-spooney before."

Carl: I don’t get it. What’s so “great” about this “Depression”?

Lenny: I can't tell when Lenny ends and Carl's begin.
Carl: Statements like that are why people think we're gay.

Bart: You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week? Milhouse: What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu? Nobody ever brings those up

Dr. Nick: (Looking at a human body book) That's how we look inside? It's DISGUSTING!!! (Turns a page.) Oh, that woman swallowed a baby.

Prosecutor: "What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die Bart Die?"
Sideshow Bob: "No, that's German [unveils tattoo] for The Bart The [courtroom murmurs in approval.] Parole-board member: "No one who speaks German could be an evil man."

Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

TROY MCCLURE

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Some Confidence, Stupid!

[In slaughterhouse]
Troy: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: Oooh!
Troy: Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy. It's not really a floor, it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported!

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs: Ewwww" and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory"!

OTTO

[After accidentally walking into art film] I didn't know British coal miners had it so bad! There's blood on your hands, Mrs. Thatcher!

RALPH WIGGUM

Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!

Ralph: That's my swing set, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.

(To a wolf) Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...

I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my parents won't let me use scissors. (The class laughs)
Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.

MARTIN

 
Martin: (on school bus) Mr. Driver? One of my mates has purloined my French horn!
Kearney: Why can't you talk like a dude?

MARGE

[Looking around new Springfield soccer stadium approvingly] I can't believe this used to an internment camp.

Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.

Homer: (Looking at his gut) Marge! How could you let me let myself go like this?
Marge: Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee!

ABE

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

LISA

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Marge: You're not a god, Homer.
Lisa: Remember Dad, "All glory is fleeting."
Homer: So?
Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March."
Homer: No!

(checking the card catalog) Let's see... Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...

(after trying spicy food) I … can… see…through time!

Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: Thats Kaballah, you jerk.

Marge: Whatever happened to good old-fashioned town pride?
Lisa: It's been going downhill since the lake caught fire.

Marge: No chores, no allowance.
Lisa: Okay, we get our room and board free anyway.

Friends? These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.

What's so special about this game, anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini mall, so we built a bigger mini mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their City Hall.

I like you too Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

[At dinner table] Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks AND blows.

I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar] Moe: Alright, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar. [Moe pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar] See? They got their little stools and everything.

How do you make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin.

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned: I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, [chuckles] we don't want to go to Hell.
Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals?
Ned: No.
Moe: The Christ Punchers!

Aw Homer, you know your money's no good here - wait a minute! This is real money!

I don't know where you pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!

Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.

KENT BROCKMAN

[During St. Patrick’s Day Festival] Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O' Brockman live on Main Street, where today, everyone is a little bit Irish! Everyone except, of course, for the gays and Italians.

Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over – “conquered” if you will -- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

In business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form, get this -- Ultradyne Systems!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work.

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

Every day before "The Simpsons Movie" opens (and through the weekend), I'm going to list the best quotes by some of the main characters on the TV series. Why? Anticipation of the movie? Sheer boredom? My inherent geekiness shining through? Probably all of those. Today, it's all things Homer...

Oh, and related articles on the ten best Simpsons episodes can be found here, with a photo gallery/quote rundown here. 

Homer: Here’s your giraffe, little girl.

Ralph: I'm a boy.

Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed. The lesson is, never try.

Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort?

Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?

Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down"

Marge: I could come with you to Moe’s.

Homer: Ok, but who am I going to complain about when I get drunk?

But I’m no super-genius… or are I?

I've learned a lot living with you guys. It doesn't matter what someone's sexual preferences are... unless they're a celebrity. Then it's dish, dish, dish!

Marge: He prefers the company of men.

Homer: Well, who doesn’t?

[Reading French instructions for building a grill] Le grill? What the hell is that?!?

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Homer: Why don't people like me, Marge?

Marge: Everyone likes you, you're a wonderful person.

Homer: Then why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!

Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

Homer: No, that would make me a great father.

Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

[To Bart] You could change your name to Homer Junior. Then the kids could call you Hoju!

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Ned: Wait a minute — you've got a medium, and I've got a message! Maybe God brought us together for a reason!

Homer: Yeah! You help me, and I in turn am helped by you!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see… don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?

Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!

Marge: (sighs) I know, I know.

House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!

Homer: That’s bad!

Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer: That’s good!

Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: That’s bad.

Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!

Homer: That’s good!

Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate … That’s bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

The anticipation…nay, collective hysteria surrounding the release of the final Harry Potter book took over the world this past weekend, but New York City (where Scholastic, Potter’s publishers, are headquartered) was the center of it all.

Thanks to some connections I have on the inside, I was able to be in the building when the book was released at midnight last Friday. Now I have an idea what it was like when the Beatles landed in the U.S.! (Note to those under the age of 45: Look it up.) The building’s second floor featured a library, which was filled with fully costumed kids running around. They seemed oblivious to the armed guards shuffling in downstairs, surrounding the stash, er, new Potter books.

Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait in line like commoners; we were in the VIP line with about 300 kids (let’s assume these were the offspring of employees and important people). And speaking of important people, standing behind me was Salmon Rushdie with his son, and standing behind him was Keith Olbermann of MSNBC fame. Olbermann also didn’t seem to have a kid with him. Maybe he was there for his own pleasure? Note: The sports coat with jeans was a nice touch.

You have to wonder what Rushdie was thinking as the kids counted down to midnight like it was New Years Eve. It was probably along the lines of, “I have written some of the most important books of the century, and have a fatwa on me from Iran, and this woman has made a billion dollars writing about a boy wizard.” I, for one, was thinking of his ex-wife, Padma Lakshmi. I’d play Quidditch with her! Seriously. I hear she's good. 

 -- Ron Bishow

So, this may not be the most enticing photo in the world... 

But a flabby Tim Harrington and the rest of Les Savvy Fav still managed to rock out and make the Solar One show a big success. The Solar events, held at Stuyvesant Cove Park on the East River, feature an interesting premise: Everything, from movie screenings to music, is powered by big solar panels (and the sun, naturally). Add to that a great view of the East River, free admission and $3 beer (if you bring your own mug), and you've got the makings of a fun, drunken, environmentally sound afternoon.

LSF got into the pro-solar vibe fairly quickly -- although they did offer up their own take on the matter. "When the sun runs out, we'll harvest the power of the moon!" Harrington yelled during his band's set, which saw the singer perform a number of costume changes (personal favorite: the water bucket helmet) and, more often than not, roam the crowd during the set. Musically, their Dischord Records-style punk leanings won over an all-ages (and family-friendly crowd)...including the guitarist's own offspring, as pictured below.

Of course, there were some glitches -- one of the early DJ sets was abruptly cut off halfway through a rendition of "Milkshake" ... not sure if it was the sun's personal dislike of the song, or just a technical malfunction. Speaking of malfunctions, by 8 p.m. the kegs were producing little more than froth, before running out completely. Seriously, guys, saving the environment is great, but next time, bring enough beer to help get the job done.

 -- Kirk Miller

All photos by Tom Vu/Flickr